End of Year Blues

The other day, someone came up to me and said they had read my previous post, from last summer. They complimented my writing. It made me happy, it really did. There have been some things on my mind recently, so I figured I’d write something down again. Thank that person for the inspiration.

Writing, and language in general is one of the things I’m pretty good at, always was really. Probably stems from my mother being very passionate about the topic. So naturally, I’ve made a conscious effort to learn and uphold good and correct usage of the two main languages I speak. Of course my English isn’t quite as good as my Finnish, but I think I have a decent grasp on it at this point. I struggle more with spelling than I do with grammar nowadays. So indeed, when someone goes out of their way to tell me my writing is good, it makes me happy. Feels like my efforts haven’t gone to waste. Thank you friend, for your words of recognition.

That isn’t what I set out to talk about today, though. The title probably implies as much. Recently I’ve been feeling down, more and more so as the year ticks down to the last few of its weeks. I’m not one to go around shoving my problems at others, I’d rather manage and get past them on my own since I know I am capable of that (you can refer to my previous post for more thoughts on this). Yesterday I was even more miserable than usual though, so I told myself I’d spend some time today writing about it on here.

It’s natural to have ups and downs, happy and sad moments in life. And on paper, it seems like most of the notable events in my life for the past few weeks have been the happy kind. Yet I’m constantly stuck in this cloud of gloom for some reason. It upsets me to not be able to understand it myself, this didn’t use to happen. So I tried to seriously reflect on it the other day, to some moderate success.

It feels like my life, or this year at least, is slowly dissolving back to how it was on day one. Everything that I’ve been building up to over these 10 or so months, is slowly resetting back to the old status quo. I’m not quite sure what to do about it, nor if I even can do much about it. I don’t have the mental strength to fight for everything and everyone at once. What sucks is that I consciously forwent many things in favor of others this year, some of which now kind of seem like a waste. Oh well, live and learn. If nothing else, I have a bunch of memories of 2017 to look back on.

Maybe I’m just not cut out to deal with all of this. After so many years, I should know my own pace, and stick to it. Focus on what really matters. Hold onto what you already have, because you have a lot already. You’re the best at being you.

However, even though there are only a handful of weeks left in the year, they’re quite the eventful few weeks. Christmas is almost here, in fact it is the first advent today. In an attempt to offset my mood, and to uphold a family tradition,  I decided I’ll make some christmas star pastries tonight:

We’ll see how it goes.

Christmas also means a lot of time spent with, and thinking about, family. I love my family, and very much enjoy the time we spend together. Next weekend I’ll be heading back home for some christmas prep, and after I’m done with school I will haul my ass home again for the holidays. Probably won’t take my PC with me, so don’t expect me to do much of anything online during that time. You can reach me on social media, but that’s about it.

Happy holidays~

Friendship, and how it changes you

Friends are important. Probably the most important thing in this world, outside of the physical necessities for survival. Having someone you can trust with your inner thoughts is a very comforting feeling, and having them trust you back with theirs is equally comforting. Even though I have the best mom in the world whom I love and respect very much and talk about most things with (mom if you somehow end up reading this, I’ll be coming over soon with something long overdue with me ^_^), there are still things that only a friend – a peer – can really understand and help with. Without friends, you’re easily lost within your own thoughts.

I’ve always had friends, at least as far as I can remember. All the way back to kindergarten days, I remember having friends. But they were never really close friends. Not the “bff” kind of friends. Just casual friends that I’d chat with and do stuff with in school, maybe occasionally spend some time together after school. I just never let anyone close enough, I kept too much of my self hidden from view. I was a bit of a timid child, and never the popular kid in the class. I was really fucking smart (sounds arrogant I know, but it’s the truth), and didn’t try to hide that fact, which sometimes also got me into trouble with my peers. I wasn’t ever really picked out and bullied, I just wasn’t “in” with the cool kids. Didn’t bother me at the time, since I still had those couple of casual friends around that I spent most of my idle school time with.

I could ramble on about this for a while, but it’s besides the point I’m here to make today so let’s just sum it up like this: Going through upwards of 15 years of school, I didn’t ever have a ‘best friend’, in the true meaning of that term.

Fast-forward to the years 2016-2017. I had been playing this circle clicking game for a while, pretty much since I got out of the army a year before. I had also stumbled upon a really charming guy who called himself Doomsday, and streamed his circle clicking gameplay on twitch.tv. He had a delightful little community going on, revolving around the stream and the UK playerbase of that game, which I quickly found myself being a part of (except the UK part, since I’m a dirty foreigner). And then, at the start of the year 2016, Discord hooked Doomsday up with a fancy partnered server for us to gather and share our memes in. It quickly became a really lively and comfy place, with many new faces too. It truly felt like a community, and I felt like I was a part of something really cool and unique. I also bit the bullet and started hanging around in the voice chats more (we had a TS server prior to Discord, but I barely ended up chatting with people in there) and working on my terrible spoken english skills. A lot of the people I got to know during the first few months on that Discord server I consider my good friends today. I also met a super cool finnish dude in there that you probably all know. I’m talking about Mara, of course. He was banned from playing the circle clicking game on its official servers at the time, a story that for the longest time was covered in haze and mystery to me. But Mara didn’t let that ban slow him down. He was always working on or at least planning something fun and interesting, and I ended up getting dragged into his antics before I even knew it. As the months rolled by, I got more and more involved with him and his projects. I even had a small part in helping him get the circle clicking ban lifted, you can read about that here. It has been great fun working with him on all kinds of things, and looks like sauna.moe is yet another chapter in that saga.

Let’s get back on topic again, which is me (yay for being self-centered). I was now making more and more friends, but I still wasn’t really changing as a person, not on a fundamental level. I still kept my thoughts and troubles mostly to myself, even when someone would straight up ask me how I was (maybe they noticed I was being gloomy or otherwise not myself? who knows), I’d just brush them off by assuring them I was fine. And that’s not really good, now is it? Well, that’s how I had always been, and that’s how it was always going to be I thought. It didn’t seem to make my life any harder, so why would I need to change? Silly me for looking at it like that.

Sometimes the winds of change blow from unexpected directions. Those winds have carried someone truly special into my life this year. A friend that has become so dear to me so quickly, that I sometimes question if they’re even real. But they are. They’re out there, and through no connection other than shared feelings, they care about me, and I care about them. But most importantly, they make me feel appreciated, unlike anyone else does. Now, that might upset some of you (god knows how you even found this, not like I posted about it anywhere… you god damn stalkers ♥), since I know many of you appreciate me and you do a good job letting me know it. There’s just someting special about this one particular person, that even I struggle to put into words. But rest assured, your appreciation means a lot to me and I appreciate all of you in return.

But why talk about all this now? Well there’s a simple reason to that. As a result of this friend I talked about in the previous paragraph, I’ve started to change as a person. The shell that I had so adamantly maintained around me for all these years was cracked and eventually shattered in the winds of change that this person brought with them. Many had tried but they were the first one that got through. That is what makes them special. As a result, I’ve come to see other people in a different light as well. I find myself appreciating people more nowadays. I suspect that the people who are in contact with me regularly have noticed the difference already. I’ve noticed it myself, and I can tell you right now that it’s not something I’ve been purposefully doing. It stems from somewhere deeper inside me. There’s a definite seed of change planted there, and I can feel it growing. So don’t be alarmed, nothing is wrong with me. You’re simply seeing more of me now. I hope you can come to appreciate it, and if not then thats okay too~ Can’t please everyone, as we all know.

P.S

Some of you wonder, “who is it, who is it? Who is this mysterious person that has touched you so deeply?” And to you I say: does it really matter? They know who they are, and probably some of you do too, but let’s not focus on that. It’s not what I wanted to focus on. It’s not what I set out to say. I simply wanted to shed light on why I might seem a little different compared to a few months ago. Maybe at a later date I’ll write out something similar and go into more detail over what happened, but that date is not today. Please respect that. Thank you for reading ♥